Controlling boyfriends appear attentive but watch out for signs of ownership and control
Real life story: I have been going out with my boyfriend for the past 14 months. He can be kind and considerate, but this seems to be when he wants something, or we are doing what he wants – like watching his choice of Movie at the Cinema.
Before I met him – I had a lot of college friends that I met up with on a regular basis, but my contact with most of them has gradually broken down due to my boyfriend saying that he did not like them for one reason or another.
If ever I do go out with friends – he always questions me about whether we met up with anyone else, or did any guy try to come on to me?
The problem is that he always seems moody when I am in the company of other people and we are enjoying ourselves, and he doesn’t like me hanging out with my sister because she is single, and he thinks that she will be a bad influence on me.
I love him but I feel like I am walking on egg shells most of the time, because the smallest incident can trigger a bad mood in him, also he has said that I am far to friendly with people and that I need to stand back a bit. (in other words..make myself invisible).
I am not my own person any more, and I have got to the point where I fear spending any time with him. I can’t talk to him about the way I feel as he is very defensive and I always end up feeling sorry for him. He says thing like – ‘We are OK when we are on our own – just the 2 of us’, and – ‘I am only looking out for you because I care about you so much’.
Does this sound familiar? Alarm bells ringing?? Well after 9 months of feeling like a dog an a leash I left him without giving a reason.
Hanging around just gives control freaks more opportunty to butter you up and real you back in.
So don’t give a long drawn out explanation as to why you are leaving
Please follow your gut instincts. This is something that I did not do and I spent several wasted years of unhappiness. Controlling men (and women of course) know how to confuse you into thinking that they are nice really. They use the build-them-up knock-them-down technique. I.e. being nice one minute and then not the next.
The worse truth about a controlling personality is that they don’t love you for you – but for themselves, to feed their own ego and self-worth. You are more like a trophy, something that is owned and has been achieved, and something that can be given a quick polish to and put back in the cabinet to admire.
And the problem with this is – is that ‘no one’ can like you or enjoy you like he does, not even your best friends and family members!
If he is paranoid regarding what you are doing during his absence then he clearly has insecurity issues. But please realize this – His insecurities are not your responsibility. You are just on the receiving end, and you should not be concerned about how he will feel if you leave him.
You need to do what is right for you. You seem to be a very intuitive and sensitive lady, but your sensitive nature could override your gut feelings.
If this guy is making you feel trapped and making you feel miserable – then move on and don’t look back.
In terms of ending the relationship – you don’t need to give this guy loads of reasons. Just tell him that you want to spend more time with friends and that’s it. By giving him lots of clues as to why you are leaving him will only allow him to try and use these your reasons as tactics to win you back.
This message comes from a mature lady with 20 years of experience in relationship counselling.
Note: Anyone with this degree of controlling behaviour requires counselling to get to the bottom of the root cause of their insecurities.